Saturday, June 4, 2011

Oops. I'm Fat.

So just completed my first week in India. I smell like hell and my hair looks like shit and I'm not really having a bad time.
Training is going alright. I do realize that I could never be a teacher. Ever. In life. Some of these "grown ass adults" are acting like kids with ADHD at a light factory. I don't know if it's a language thing or a "I'm an idiot" thing. Either way, I hope they get this quick because I may have to break out a whip and treat them like Kunta Kinte. Your name ain't Toby, sir.
So apparently, the yearly monsoon is coming on Friday. And everyone thinks it's going to be beautiful. Now, I'm not sure, but I have never considered a effing hurricane "beautiful". Yea, rain is fun and all, but I'm not gonna get excited about a flood. Just saying. I'll just sit in my room and eat cookies and chips until it's over.
Damnit. I'm fat.

So the food in India sucks ass. I've never like Indian food and these fools just sent me to the one place that I can't eat jack shit. It's spicy and it all tastes the same - like spicy sweat. I've tried to find any kind of western food on the menu here at the hotel, but it STILL tastes like feet. Had peanuts at the bar and they STILL tasted like old onions and corn chips. I would kill to eat a quarter pounder from McDonald's. I'd even settle for a Taco Bell hard taco. And that ain't even beef!

Went to Chili's for happy hour yesterday. Their happy hour consists of a buy-one, get-one free... INCLUDING the Presidente margaritas. Holy India - that's the best idea I've ever heard. That's like having a party and charging at the door and people ACTUALLY paying to get in (yes, I remember you fuckers not paying but I'm over it so don't worry about it.... I'm fine.... just dandy.... I'll move on). The only thing they didn't have was food that I wanted to eat. Who would have thought that the Chili's in India wouldn't have good food. Especially since Chili's in America serves great food....
Yup. Still fat.

So as far as sleep goes, I've been missing it. Since I slept on Sunday when I got here, I've had all of 14 hours of sleep - until last night. Fourteen is 2 hours more than 12, in case you didn't know. That's less than the whole "Roots" series. And I say UNTIL last night. Last night, after Chili's, I proceeded to drink like I was Snoop Dogg and alcohol was marijuana. So when I got back to the hotel and found Scott sitting on the couch with 4 huge empty bottles of beer, I started tripping out. TV was on mute and he was on his laptop. Sat at talked to him for a bit, I think, and passed out. Woke up 12 hours later. Hell yes. Ambien what? Just get hammered. Works better and WAY more fun. Pretty sure I am on the right schedule now but it's still early so we'll see.

So we went to Mumbai today to see the city. It was pretty cool! Saw the Gateway to India, saw the ocean, saw some dirty people who sold me a watch, and a monkey. Pretty eventful. Went to a bar after shopping and of COURSE, I am going to buy a tshirt. Asked the waiter for one and says, "Extra large?" A little offended, I said, no - a large will do. He replies, "are you sure?". Yes, motherfucker, I'm sure! Just bring me my damn shirt. Geez. Didn't have the black one I wanted so I purchased it's yellow brother. Got home and realized that not only should I have taken the extra large, I should NOT have complained about it on Facebook because now I look like an idiot. I look like the sun's retarded, misshapen star brother from the Butterfinger Galaxy.
Fat ass.

I honestly tried to go work out the other morning before work - since I wasn't sleeping anyway - but the gym didn't open until 6:30am and that wasn't enough time to do that, take a shower, and catch breakfast before work. It's the most important meal of the day. Don't judge me.
I'm fat.

I know I complain a lot about being here but I'm seriously not having a bad time. It's definitely a culture shock but I'm really having fun. The bartender at the hotel bar is pretty cool and we've become friends a little. Imagine that. I'll be home soon enough, though, and have a Champps burger, a Whataburger with no onions or tomatoes, a quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald's, a steak from ANYWHERE, and fries. At the same time. All of it.
Oops. I'm fat.

Until next time....

1 comment:

  1. Hey Roger, hope you are having a good time in India, well as good as it can be. Wanted to let you know that I have been sitting here reading your blog, absolutely hilarious. Oh yeah don't forget the shot glasses!!! :)