Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Online Dating is For the Thirsty

I have recently found myself to be a single man. Again. My boyfriend and I of a year and a half have ended our relationship. Again. For reasons that I will not discuss 'cause I don't wanna. BUT since I am single again, I have been back in the app dating game. Again. Here are a couple of things I've learned to "swipe left" to in the past couple of hours that I've been doing this.
Again.

1) If you have the same picture on your profile more than once, I'm swiping left.

What this tells me is that you don't know how to use your phone. And if you can't use your phone, you're either 67 years old or, "special". Either way, I'm swiping left. I can't be setting the time on your VCR and/or feeding you with an airplane within the year. This scenario is valid for either assumption if you have the same picture twice.

2) If you have ONLY "selfies" on your profile, I'm swiping left. 

You got no friends. The only people that hang out with you don't have opposable thumbs i.e. the dog and/or cat in the picture with you. And if people who can't talk back to you are the ONLY people that you hang out with, I can't move from finger from the left to the right side of my phone. It's not possible. Find some friends. Get a homeless man to take your picture. Just have at least ONE picture that I can see both hands in.

3) If you are darker than I am, I'm swiping left.

Now let me explain before you call me a racist. If you know me, you know I don't like brown people. I've dated just a handful in my past and none of them worked out. I like that pink dick. 
I'll move on.

4) If you mention the fact that you are "looking for a reason to delete this app", I'm swiping left.

This don't even make any damn sense. This makes you look like a pompous ass hole. I barely like real ass holes. I'm not dealing with you. You suck as a person and I hope you turn 45 with this app on your phone. 

5) If you mention how you don't "hook up", but have a shirtless picture of yourself, I'm swiping left. 

You're obviously a fucking liar and are D.T.F. if the right muthafucka with the same bare chest comes along. I don't ask liars. Just ask the nigga mentioned in the second sentense of this blog. 
I'll move on....

6) Last, but not least, if you have negative comments in your profile about other people or people who use this app, I'm swiping left.

Quit being a Negative Nancy. You're on this app because you are looking for someone to like you, you thirsty sonofabitch. Don't act like you're so "right swiped" that you have to deal with all these dudes that just bother your. You can talk shit - just do it in a blog outside of the app so they don't know how negative you are. Like a normal fucking person.


(You see what I did there?)

Until next time.....