Thursday, April 30, 2015

Problem: Solved

Usually on this blog, I write about funny stuff: old drunk people I see at the bar, douche bags named Matthew, or my fat ass trying to lose weight for 5 years. Today is something different. With all that is going on in the world today, I'm feeling a little bit soap-boxish. I'm feeling like I want to get up and speak my mind on a couple of things. I'm feeling like chicken tonight, but that's a whole other story. No, today - I am going to solve the world's problems. With three easy steps. You ready for this? Are you ready to hear how, in the words of an old black man who got beat up said, we "can all just get along"? Here it is.

1. Calm the fuck down.
2. Grow the fuck up.
3. Mind your business.

That's it. Folks, with these easy steps, we can be a happy world again. Everyone can hold hands and circle the world singing Kumbaya and toasting marshmallows. I can hear you saying to yourself right now, "Roger, you big dummy. It isn't that simple. If it were that simple, we would have done that a long time ago. By the way, are you losing weight?"
Well that's awfully nice of you to notice, but it really IS that simple. Let me explain.

Starbucks has ruined us as a people. With all of this added sugar and caffeine, we've gotten way too hyper. We're like Joe-Joe, the idiot circus boy with a shiny new pet. Yes - we need to calm the fuck down. Everything has turned into a bigger deal than it is meant. Perfect example - the Chicken McNugget Lady. We've all seen the Youtube video of the lady in the McDonald's drive-thru who needed to calm the fuck down. Apparently, she didn't get her chicken nuggets. And apparently, she needs her chicken nuggets to live because this lady took it to the next level. She reaches into the window, screaming and shouting to the window person and threatens death. When the employee gets a chance to close and lock the window, The Hamburgler in the drive-thru proceeds to bang on the window until it shatters. And then calmly gets back into her car and drives away, most likely to the nearest Wendy's. Now, I worked at McDonald's for about a year and half. I've had my fair share of McNuggets. I've also had my share of the delicious french fries and quarter pounders with cheese - both very tasty and satisfying. But not even in my fattest times have I threatened someones life because of some small chunks of alleged chicken breast. Calm the fuck down. I challenge you to think about the last argument you were in. Could that have been avoided if you had calmed the fuck down? Would you still be broken up now? Would your wall still have a hole in it? Would you still be in jail for shooting an innocent person because you jumped when you should have taken a step? #face

In our microwave era, we've come accustomed to having what we want, when we want it. Like this shit was Burger King. "But don't get crazy...." Our sense of entitlement has risen through the ROOF! How could it not - it's human nature. Since the womb, our human minds are set to self-preservation mode. This sense of entitlement has led us to believe that we deserve everything we want as soon as our internal oven timers go off. Much like children who can't have the toy from Walmart or the ice cream cone from the freezer, we then begin to scream and shout until we get our way. Well, son - grow the fuck up. We don't always get our way. Sometimes you gotta ask your lady, "Do you want it in the butt? No? Ok - let's try something else." But I digress....
As a child of mexican parents, I never did the "tantrum" thing. The reason I didn't is because I knew as soon as I even thought about it, I was fittin' to get beat. Either by a belt or a shoe or a hand or a cart or a wooden spoon or a chair or whatever. They did not play. I have a theory: I think that there are some grown ass people that need to get beat with a wooden spoon. I call it my "Mexican Wooden Spoon" Theory. Maybe they wouldn't act the way they do if they would grow the fuck up and realize it AIN'T their world, squirrel if they would get hit every once and then by a sense of authority. Kind of like acting a fool out in public and getting mad when the police stop you. Don't act a fool, don't get hit with that wooden spoon. Simple as that. Grow the fuck up.

One thing I don't understand is the opinions of some dictating the progress of the masses. Just because you eat Indian food doesn't mean that I have to. Just because you wear those ridiculous white sunglasses doesn't mean that I have to. And just because your God tells you that one man can't lay with another man certainly does not mean that mine does. Mind your business. What one individual does with their life should have no impact on yours. There is an old joke - "Man goes into the doctor and says, 'Doc, it hurts when I do this.' Doctor turns and looks at him and says, 'Well then don't do that.'" There are a lot of people that need to read that again. And listen to that doctor. If you don't like it, don't do it. When you turn on your radios and a Justin Bieber song comes on, what do you do? You turn the channel - exactly. You don't like that shit! (At least I hope you don't. Although, if you do, you're probably not reading this anyway.) Why can't we do that with real life? If you don't want to see something, turn away. Why is that just because you don't like it, I can't do it? To quote one of my favorite movies, "Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood": "You ain't my daddy. You don't pay none of my bills. Mind ya business." #realtalk

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life isn't meant to be a battle. You're born, you grow up, you have fun, and then you die. It's really not that long of ride. Why not spend it happy?

Until next time...