Saturday, March 23, 2013


So today, after a week of not killing my liver, I finally had an alcoholic beverage. I say AN alcoholic beverage because my mother is probably reading.
Today is Saturday and you know how I like to day drink. I waited for noon, when Chili's opened, and had my first drink in a week. "Presedente" Margarita. Without the Presedente, by the way. Apparently, they can get away with not serving it with Presedente by noting on the menu its "tequila", not Presedente tequila. Sneaky Indians... I ordered the "chicken fried" chicken strips. Which came out looking like 5 chicken fried steaks on a plate with a corn cob and french fries. Ate about half and couldn't do it anymore. BUT I did have a couple more Presedentes. Wasn't sure how much it affected me until "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith came on. I found myself "whipping my hair back and forth", while the bartender stared at me, and realized it's been awhile since I had a drink. Didn't help that Shakira came on next and I was bar dancing in my seat. Indians apparently don't know about "bar dancing". People were staring more than a mexican in traffic.
Had a couple and then finally went to bed. For awhile. And woke up to do some sanging. Walked into the karaoke bar next door to someone singing George Thorogood. Word? And then, Sweet Home Alabama. What the fuck this nigga know about Alabama? Couldn't stop smiling for 30 minutes cause it just kept getting better. Sweet Child of Mine, U2, Billy Ocean... I can't do 80's music. Most dudes who sang in the 80's sang higher than the females did! I can't do that shit. So I started to play a game...
If you've ever been to Passport Health, the people who tell give you your international shots, you know that they are anti-travel. These people will tell you about every disease, parasite, sickness, rash, cough and sneeze, ailment that you will ever get from any other country besides America. They will scare you into believing that as soon as you get off of the plane, you have potentially caught Malaria, Herpes, Diabetes, SARS, Swine flu, Bird, flu, Dog flu, carpel tunnel, small pox, chicken pox, and VD before you even speak to customs UNLESS you spend $345 on pills and shots to prevent it all. Apparently, you can't drink the water in any other country except the US. Which sticks to you. So when you get a mixed drink, you know it comes with ice aka frozen death. So the game begins.
You have to finish your drink before your ice melts or else you die on the spot of some made up disease that no one has heard of but EVERYONE is afraid of. Which means that you drink a lot more than anticipated just because you don't like rashes. Well let's just say I played that game. And I lost.
As I kept watching the show, I became aware that it really wasn't karaoke night. There was a dude there singing and this was his show. Oops.But wait, they just said we could sing! There's my queue.
Asked for Incubus. No luck. Asked for Michael Buble. Nope. Asked for "No Diggity" to no avail. Asked for Matchbox 20 and all they have is "Smooth" by Rob Thomas/Santana. I'll take what I can get. But singing a "spanish" song in India doesn't land so well as singing it in Texas.
Either way, there were all of 3 people singing tonight, besides the dj and his girl, and no one really cared. Man, I miss Aiyoku. Black people and being center of attention go together like drunk texts and morning regret. Ask me tomorrow about that one.
Tomorrow is brunch day, since my work network connection is STILL not working. We'll see how much brown people relate during drunk lunch. I'll keep you posted.

Until next time...

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Back In Black

It's been a minute since my last entry so I'll catch you up:
I gained about 930 pounds, I made new fantastic friends, dated some people, made fun of some people, drank some beer, became asexual, and started a Facebook war with an old white man. You know... same shit, new day. Currently, I'm sitting in a hotel room, watching a Simpsons episode from 1993 and trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing right now.

So here I am - back in Indian for my 15th and 16th week. We're transitioning another one of my customers so I'm here doing what I do. As soon as I find out what that is, I'll let you know. The trip here was pretty uneventful. Spent 10 hours on a plan here watching some good movies. Landed in Frankfurt and sat for four hours watching the snow fall and praying to God I wouldn't have to spend the night there. It was below freezing and all I brought was close and the extra weight that I put on. Once we took off, I promised myself I would sleep the rest of the way to Mumbai. I even put on Anna Karenina, the Oscar nominated movie, to help me fall asleep, Those artsy movies usually either make me wanna smoke or put me to sleep. This one did neither. It just confused the hell out of me and pissed me off. If you've seen it, you know what a psycho bitch that chick was! Holy moly - reminded me why I quit dating girls.This chick was the definition of bipolar! She couldn't be crazier if she started talking shit on a random person's Facebook post, all the while looking like Santa Claus had an illegitimate child with a retarded cow. (I'm not saying, I'm just saying.) So I never fell asleep because she pissed me off so much. Ended up staying away for another God knows how many hours until I finally fell asleep Monday morning at 11:30am. I don't really know how long that was because I'm not even sure what time it is now. We landed at 1:15am and I've been in and out of sanity since.
I'm working nights here so that I can be on the same time as it is in the states. And I have to say it's for the birds. I'm not sure what time I'm supposed to eat or sleep or masturbate or what. Oh make time for all three... I just don't know what time it is when I do it.
Badoom chic.
My first day back was actually not bad at all. It was like I never left. Got back in the groove and now that I know I'm only here for 2 weeks, it really doesn't make me the anxious, bitter, wreck I was last time. Although, the first thing that they told me was, "hey you put on a little weight". Get off me, nigga, I got hungry. After the day ended at 6am, I came back to the hotel and did some more work until I just couldn't work anymore. Even started working out a little. I say a little because my dumbass forgot all my workout clothes so I can't really be running in khakis. So I just stay in my room and do some aerobic/dancing/hope-to-God-no-one-can-see-me-shit.Hey, I'm sweating so that's all that matters. I guess they knew I was coming with weight to lose because there is a scale in my room. Ass holes.
Went to KFC today since it's down the street and the closest thing to fast food I can find.I waited in line after looking at the menu trying to find something I recognized and low and behold, in front of me was a black chick! I was excited and then confused... what the hell would a black chick be doing in India. I'm not being racist... but lets be real. Black chicks don't even like going to the ghetto, let alone the GHETTO. So I almost thought that maybe she was just a dark Indian chick. Until I heard her order.
"I need the two piece, please.A leg and a thigh."
Complete with the neck sway, "And please make sure it's a leg and a thigh. I don't wont none of that other stuff!"
My eyes opened wide and I wanted to hug her. MY PEOPLE!! Right here in line at KFC, I found the only other "black" person in India.

Imagine that.

I have a driver from the building I'm working in that drives me to and from work. He's pretty quiet and doesn't smell like the fool from the hotel that used to drive us when we were here last. This one actually takes a shower, I think. My only complaint is that this fool keeps his car at -42 degrees. By the time I get out, my balls are like marbles and I got icicles hanging from my nose. He still drives just like all the other drivers here. We get so close to the car next to us that if my penis was hanging out the window, I could touch it. And I'm hung like a hamster! It's a big, giant, mammoth hamster, but a hamster none the less.

I am planning on attending karaoke night at a bar next door on Saturday and I cannot wait. Josh apparently has been telling this fool that I was coming so I anticipate a lot of sanging on Saturday. And a lot of dranking too. I haven't had a drink since the flight to Frankfurt and only 2 cigarettes since Friday night. Word. Let's see how healthy I can get before gorging myself at Anthony's next Sunday.
Planning to get work done and lose some pounds before my return on the 30th. Been wearing a lot of black lately cause, you know, black is "slimming". But as big as I got, I could paint my body black and it'd still look like I was pregnant.
Gotta get pumped and ready for the pub crawl on April 27th. Just throwing that out there.... Schmammered Family Reunion Part 4. Bring your drinking pants!

By the way, the Careless Whisper video just came on tv. Maybe they'll catch up to 1999 on this channel and I can see some Bone Thugs.

Until next time...