What's up, Doc?

So as a 37 year old man who's paying for his own health insurance like a real adult, I went to have a physical from my doctor this week. My doctor, who's been my doctor since I started at SkyChefs in 2006, is an older slightly overweight man who loves golf, judging by his office decor.
This doctor is one of those older white men who try to act like they aren't older white men. You know what I mean? Like, he likes to talk, "slang" so it sounds like he is a slightly less older white man. Saying things like, "balls" and, "your thing" and, "getting hammered". He's even a little racist.
When I was diagnosed with diabetes, he was trying to explain what I could and could not eat. I mean. Like a good doctor would.
"You know, you can still have tortillas. But just have one tortilla, not four."
Oh. "Gracias, doctor."

And so judgemental! The common question to every patient is, "do you drink?".
"Yes, I do."
"How much?"
Which, there is NEVER a correct answer to. Because no matter what the answer is, you're either lying or you sound like the human version of Barney from The Simpsons. And of course, in response, I lied.
"Just on the weekends."
"How many would you say you have over the weekend?"
Which, again, there is NEVER a correct answer to. So. I lied again.
"All weekend? I guess 20?"
To which he replied with the look of a man who was just told that the shot of Fireball he just took was $8. To which I immediately realized I had made the wrong decision.

During the physical on Monday, his cell phone went off. He looked at it and said, "damn telemarketers."
"I know! Always calling at the wrong time.", I said in my best old white man accent.
"Right? My wife gets them too. Here recently, she's been getting calls and Facetimes asking if she wants to hook up! Like, the other day, she gets a call and there was some black mans face on her phone, asking if she wanted to hook up!"

Uh.
What?

I don't know how to tell you this, sir, but your wife is a hoe! I ain't NEVER had a telemarketer trying to ask for ass! What kind of websites and 900 numbers is that bitch calling that she gets dick offerings?! And "black man's face"?! Dude! We ain't friends like that! Be a professional!!
But what do I expect?? I had to have the "finger test" during this physical. Not by choice, you gaycists. Because I have issues. The whole time he was talking about it, he kept saying things like, "the dark hole" and, "coming in from the rear" and, "putting my hands on your butt". Thanks, professional. Anus will suffice.

I've never really had the best of luck with doctors of any sort.
While I was in New York, I joined Tinder. Cause that's what hoes do - they hoe out with other hoes. Swiping right and not seeing, "You've Got a Match" is incredibly disappointing but has become a VERY real thing for me on a daily basis. So when I finally got that glorious message on a very attractive person with beautiful hair and olive skin, I was pretty bloody excited. Turns out, this swipe was a dentist. We chatted and chatted and he was well spoken. Which, coming from PlentyOfFish.com, is more of an improvement than they'd even like to admit. He asked if I had a dentist in NY yet and I said no. Because let's be real - I barley had one in Texas either. But this fool was hot so... "Sign me up, Scotty!" He set me up an appointment at his office in the city. For late afternoon. I would be his last patient of the day.
Bow-chicka-bow-WOW, nigga!!
Ooooh weee!! You know my head was ALREADY at that point. Shit, I had us already naked in the streets of fucking Time Square with balloons and rainbows. Man, I was so excited, I left work early. I said, let me prepare myself. Fucking manscaping and showering and doing my hair and shit. I'm saying man, I've seen THIS porno.
I would walk into the office with only the lights of the back examination room lit. I'd say hello and he'd tell me to walk to the back. His shirt would be slightly opened and he'd apologize for being so casual, but it's been a long day. He'd already let his assistant go. I'd sit in the chair and he'd ask if I was ready for my oral exam. Haha! Mmm mmm, bitch! Fucking Marvin Gaye is on the overhead and shit and we would get. it. ON!

The reality was NOTHING like that. I went into the fully lit office with 34 other people. He cleaned my teeth, told me how bad they were, and then charged me three hundred goddamn dollars. Instead of my phone number, this fool wanted my insurance information.
#crookedface

Back in Texas as an adult, i guess I need to find a new dentist and now a new doctor. I don't like him telling me he's, "coming in from the rear". Especially when I'm only there for a flu shot.

Until next time...

Bricks Breaker

I found a game that has ABSOLUTELY taken my obsession to a new level. It's called Bricks Breaker and I'm on level freain' 234 cause I'm fucking amazing at it. I want to explain it to you, I'm so excited about it.

It's the basic brick breaker game. You have a ball that you're breaking bricks with. Aim and shoot and you break bricks until you move to the next level.






What's ironic is that it is so much geometry and physics, both of which I SUCKED at, that I don't even feel like I should be playing this game. I learned NOTHING of those subjects in high school. I cheated off of Ryan McFarlin and Esteban Ortiz, respectively, in both of those subjects that I was able to graduate high school. But get off me on this GAME! What's great is that I learn now when I make certain moves. If I hit the first block in a certain way, it goes a certain way and I know that I'll break more bricks than if I went for 1) a different block and 2) a different angle. When I hit it wrong, it doesn't do what I want it to. (That's what she said) The more bricks you knock on the first go-round, the further in the level you'll get. But you have to pay attention! Because if you hit that first one wrong, you won't be able to set yourself up for the rest of the round.
Kind of like when you see a situation come up that you've seen before in life. If you react the same way that you did before, you'll make the same mistakes and knock the same "bricks" down before, but still end up failing the round. Repeated behavior will end in the same results. Hmm.

Anyway, there are times that you hit the first block right and it doesn't end up in the same position with the same blocks eliminated. Which is weird - but science. I don't have an excuse for that but it is what it is. That's when you think you're doing it right, but it doesn't end up the way it's supposed to. That's fucking frustrating because if you don't hit that block right, it doesn't set you up for the next block to knock out. And then it's a chain reaction! so you have to start the round over and over again until it does what you want it to. But I HAVE to know that it is the way I'm making that first move that doesn't make it do what I want it to that makes the second move fall into place! SO FRUSTRATING!!
Kind of like in life when you think you're doing the right thing but after you make that move, you realize you're still making the wrong move that you've done before and your next level isn't coming because of that first messed up move. Hmm.

Anyway, when the blocks move down, I get scared as hell. Because they are all worth a lot more the further they move down. So like, the first level is only 68, which I have 68 balls. But the further I play the game, the more balls I game - which means the more bricks I have to bust. And they are coming so fast!!!

But the fast the ball goes, the more blocks that bust! And it's getting me to my goal of clearing the goal!! And I even get help from time to time. Like the little "signs" that the board gives me that knocks out blocks without me having to try. Which is awesome. Because that's blocks I don't have to worry about now because I used the sign to knock them out.
Kinda like when there are those signs in life that help me get to my resolution. As long as I use those signs, they eliminate the "blocks" in my life that would otherwise take longer to eliminate. Hmm.

Anyway, when those blocks keep moving further and further down, coming closer and closer to the end game, I have to pay attention. If I only have 68 balls, and the blocks on that level are set at 91, but there is a level above that is at 112 and 98, I have to evaluate the situation. Do I hit the 91? Or do I go for the 210 above it to get the blocks to a level I can handle on the way down so that I can eliminate them as they come along? DECISIONS, DECISIONS!!! Do I risk it? Should I hit the higher level that would, rules of physics say, would be eliminate the lower level because "what goes up, must come down"? Ugh!!
Kind of like when I know that I see something coming in the future and have to decide if I want to do something to avoid the consequences now or just deal with them when they come. Will I be able to handle them when they get here? Or should I avoid the heartache now before they even get here? Hmm.

Anyway, clearing a level might be the most addictive part!!!






It's freaking the GREATEST feeling!! And so addicting!! Because now, the next board shows and the next complex that is going to take so much time to figure out. And I love a freakin' challenge. I want to see it and see if I can figure out, based on the levels before, how I can beat it so I can see that "CLEAR!" sign again. Oh man. So competitive that I can't let this thing beat me.
Kind of like when getting to the other side of those situations in life feels. I made it to the other side and am ready for the next obstacle. Making it through one is so empowering, you wish a nigga WOULD give you another. Hmm.

Anyway, you know what sucks? Is having to spend DAYS on a level. Like, level 215. I spent SO MANY DAYS trying to get passed that one. It was so frustrating, I had to look up on YouTube how to beat it. And even so, I had to take that knowledge and apply it. Which trying to replicate someone's esle's situation on that level only told me how THEY did it! Fuck that dude on YouTube. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!! Maybe my thumbs are too fat to do that?! Sheesh. But I had to try, right? Why not. It worked for them. And I failed. Oh my hammy, I failed. A lot. I had to see this goddamn screen so many times, I almost made it my profile picture.

Fuck you, game!!
But what you gonna do? Quit? Or fucking pull your panties up and RETRY like a muthafucka! And that's what I did. Because I ain't gonna let no fucking app on a phone beat ME.
Kinda like when situations in life get you down. And you "fail". Fuck 'em. You learn not to do that again. I had to learn not to make the same break again. No to aim for the same block again. Go a different route. Or end up in this same position again. And so what? You "failed" again. Try again. You have endless lives in these situations - as long as you keep trying. It's when you quit that you REALLY fail.

Anyway. I'm on level 234 now with this stupid game and this app might take over my life. But it's so much fun!!! And Mrs.Black and Doc Parker MAY even be proud of me today because what I've learned about geometry and physics because of this stupid game. Ha. We'll see if they read this one day when they're searching for their shitty student who cheated during the whole year like a mexican.

Anyway. Just wanted to share this game with you guys.

Until next time.....