Bricks Breaker

I found a game that has ABSOLUTELY taken my obsession to a new level. It's called Bricks Breaker and I'm on level freain' 234 cause I'm fucking amazing at it. I want to explain it to you, I'm so excited about it.

It's the basic brick breaker game. You have a ball that you're breaking bricks with. Aim and shoot and you break bricks until you move to the next level.






What's ironic is that it is so much geometry and physics, both of which I SUCKED at, that I don't even feel like I should be playing this game. I learned NOTHING of those subjects in high school. I cheated off of Ryan McFarlin and Esteban Ortiz, respectively, in both of those subjects that I was able to graduate high school. But get off me on this GAME! What's great is that I learn now when I make certain moves. If I hit the first block in a certain way, it goes a certain way and I know that I'll break more bricks than if I went for 1) a different block and 2) a different angle. When I hit it wrong, it doesn't do what I want it to. (That's what she said) The more bricks you knock on the first go-round, the further in the level you'll get. But you have to pay attention! Because if you hit that first one wrong, you won't be able to set yourself up for the rest of the round.
Kind of like when you see a situation come up that you've seen before in life. If you react the same way that you did before, you'll make the same mistakes and knock the same "bricks" down before, but still end up failing the round. Repeated behavior will end in the same results. Hmm.

Anyway, there are times that you hit the first block right and it doesn't end up in the same position with the same blocks eliminated. Which is weird - but science. I don't have an excuse for that but it is what it is. That's when you think you're doing it right, but it doesn't end up the way it's supposed to. That's fucking frustrating because if you don't hit that block right, it doesn't set you up for the next block to knock out. And then it's a chain reaction! so you have to start the round over and over again until it does what you want it to. But I HAVE to know that it is the way I'm making that first move that doesn't make it do what I want it to that makes the second move fall into place! SO FRUSTRATING!!
Kind of like in life when you think you're doing the right thing but after you make that move, you realize you're still making the wrong move that you've done before and your next level isn't coming because of that first messed up move. Hmm.

Anyway, when the blocks move down, I get scared as hell. Because they are all worth a lot more the further they move down. So like, the first level is only 68, which I have 68 balls. But the further I play the game, the more balls I game - which means the more bricks I have to bust. And they are coming so fast!!!

But the fast the ball goes, the more blocks that bust! And it's getting me to my goal of clearing the goal!! And I even get help from time to time. Like the little "signs" that the board gives me that knocks out blocks without me having to try. Which is awesome. Because that's blocks I don't have to worry about now because I used the sign to knock them out.
Kinda like when there are those signs in life that help me get to my resolution. As long as I use those signs, they eliminate the "blocks" in my life that would otherwise take longer to eliminate. Hmm.

Anyway, when those blocks keep moving further and further down, coming closer and closer to the end game, I have to pay attention. If I only have 68 balls, and the blocks on that level are set at 91, but there is a level above that is at 112 and 98, I have to evaluate the situation. Do I hit the 91? Or do I go for the 210 above it to get the blocks to a level I can handle on the way down so that I can eliminate them as they come along? DECISIONS, DECISIONS!!! Do I risk it? Should I hit the higher level that would, rules of physics say, would be eliminate the lower level because "what goes up, must come down"? Ugh!!
Kind of like when I know that I see something coming in the future and have to decide if I want to do something to avoid the consequences now or just deal with them when they come. Will I be able to handle them when they get here? Or should I avoid the heartache now before they even get here? Hmm.

Anyway, clearing a level might be the most addictive part!!!






It's freaking the GREATEST feeling!! And so addicting!! Because now, the next board shows and the next complex that is going to take so much time to figure out. And I love a freakin' challenge. I want to see it and see if I can figure out, based on the levels before, how I can beat it so I can see that "CLEAR!" sign again. Oh man. So competitive that I can't let this thing beat me.
Kind of like when getting to the other side of those situations in life feels. I made it to the other side and am ready for the next obstacle. Making it through one is so empowering, you wish a nigga WOULD give you another. Hmm.

Anyway, you know what sucks? Is having to spend DAYS on a level. Like, level 215. I spent SO MANY DAYS trying to get passed that one. It was so frustrating, I had to look up on YouTube how to beat it. And even so, I had to take that knowledge and apply it. Which trying to replicate someone's esle's situation on that level only told me how THEY did it! Fuck that dude on YouTube. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!! Maybe my thumbs are too fat to do that?! Sheesh. But I had to try, right? Why not. It worked for them. And I failed. Oh my hammy, I failed. A lot. I had to see this goddamn screen so many times, I almost made it my profile picture.

Fuck you, game!!
But what you gonna do? Quit? Or fucking pull your panties up and RETRY like a muthafucka! And that's what I did. Because I ain't gonna let no fucking app on a phone beat ME.
Kinda like when situations in life get you down. And you "fail". Fuck 'em. You learn not to do that again. I had to learn not to make the same break again. No to aim for the same block again. Go a different route. Or end up in this same position again. And so what? You "failed" again. Try again. You have endless lives in these situations - as long as you keep trying. It's when you quit that you REALLY fail.

Anyway. I'm on level 234 now with this stupid game and this app might take over my life. But it's so much fun!!! And Mrs.Black and Doc Parker MAY even be proud of me today because what I've learned about geometry and physics because of this stupid game. Ha. We'll see if they read this one day when they're searching for their shitty student who cheated during the whole year like a mexican.

Anyway. Just wanted to share this game with you guys.

Until next time.....

2018: The Year of the "Eff You"

It's true. Look it up on the Chinese Calendar. Or the Japanese Calendar. Whatever - it's an asian calendar of some sort.

This year, in retrospect, hasn't been the best of years. Had a break up in February - which led to 10 months of back and forth; my father has been in and out of the hospital, finally coming to the diagnosis of early stages of dementia; money seems to dodge me like the Matrix; back on the diabetic medication instead of using diet and exercise to control; and of course, the everyday stresses of work and adulting that sucks the life out of anyone over the age of 24.

In saying all that: I am 37 years old, I am alive in "good" health, I have a very expensive roof, a working vehicle, and lots and lots of caring people in my life. So what the hell do I have to complain about.
Life is all about interpretation. it's how you look at situations and what you do with it. Are you stuck in traffic? Or are you given more time to put on a perfectly sounding concert for your steering wheel? Is it raining? Or is God giving you a free car wash? Did you break up with your boyfriend of 2 years? Or were you given the opportunity to hoe out one last time before you thing doesn't work anymore? Are you fat? Or are you warm? Are you skinny?
No. No, I'm not.

In a time of a lot of hate, let's change. Let's start with the man in the mirror. Happier people make happier decisions. Happier people don't shoot people. Happier people don't make your hair gray. Happier people don't give you panic poops. Happier people don't make your eye twitch like you're going through heroin withdraws. Happier people don't play The Hokie Pokie at wedding receptions. Happier people don't cheer for the Philadelphia Eagles. Happier people don't listen to Nickelback. Happier people don't use Axe Body Spray. Happier people don't drink Coors Light. Happier people don't wear 80's long booty jeans. Happier people don't watch MTV.

In starting with changes with the man in the mirror, let's look at this this way: yes, we broke up in Feb. And the reason it's only lasted 10 months instead of 11 is because I found a sense of self worth in finally letting go. My father does have dementia. But it's given my family a better appreciation of the time we have with him now. He and I have never had a better relationship. (Probably because he can't remember that I'm gay but that's neither here nor there.) I'm not rich, by far. But I do make enough money to live in a cool apartment, pay for my car, pay my bills, and eat and STILL have about $5 for couple of beers. Yes, I'm back on the medication, but I'm going to use that as motivation to get back on the diet and exercise so that I get back off of it and stop complaining about my pants not fitting and no one wanting to date me because I look like a Whoppers malted chocolate ball. We've got to use the bad to get to the good. We've got to get to the point where when bad shit happens, we don't dwell in it until the hate overtakes us, but use it to make something better out of it. Can't stop. Won't stop.

As we ring in the new year in about 34 hours, let us vow to make 2019 the year of the "I Got You". Let's love each other and make happier people. Why? Because happier people don't warm Indian food in the work microwave.
Happy New Year!!

Until next time.........

Online Dating is For the Thirsty

I have recently found myself to be a single man. Again. My boyfriend and I of a year and a half have ended our relationship. Again. For reasons that I will not discuss 'cause I don't wanna. BUT since I am single again, I have been back in the app dating game. Again. Here are a couple of things I've learned to "swipe left" to in the past couple of hours that I've been doing this.
Again.

1) If you have the same picture on your profile more than once, I'm swiping left.

What this tells me is that you don't know how to use your phone. And if you can't use your phone, you're either 67 years old or, "special". Either way, I'm swiping left. I can't be setting the time on your VCR and/or feeding you with an airplane within the year. This scenario is valid for either assumption if you have the same picture twice.

2) If you have ONLY "selfies" on your profile, I'm swiping left. 

You got no friends. The only people that hang out with you don't have opposable thumbs i.e. the dog and/or cat in the picture with you. And if people who can't talk back to you are the ONLY people that you hang out with, I can't move from finger from the left to the right side of my phone. It's not possible. Find some friends. Get a homeless man to take your picture. Just have at least ONE picture that I can see both hands in.

3) If you are darker than I am, I'm swiping left.

Now let me explain before you call me a racist. If you know me, you know I don't like brown people. I've dated just a handful in my past and none of them worked out. I like that pink dick. 
I'll move on.

4) If you mention the fact that you are "looking for a reason to delete this app", I'm swiping left.

This don't even make any damn sense. This makes you look like a pompous ass hole. I barely like real ass holes. I'm not dealing with you. You suck as a person and I hope you turn 45 with this app on your phone. 

5) If you mention how you don't "hook up", but have a shirtless picture of yourself, I'm swiping left. 

You're obviously a fucking liar and are D.T.F. if the right muthafucka with the same bare chest comes along. I don't ask liars. Just ask the nigga mentioned in the second sentense of this blog. 
I'll move on....

6) Last, but not least, if you have negative comments in your profile about other people or people who use this app, I'm swiping left.

Quit being a Negative Nancy. You're on this app because you are looking for someone to like you, you thirsty sonofabitch. Don't act like you're so "right swiped" that you have to deal with all these dudes that just bother your. You can talk shit - just do it in a blog outside of the app so they don't know how negative you are. Like a normal fucking person.


(You see what I did there?)

Until next time.....

99 Problems But a Bitch Is Definitely Not One

February 27, 2012
I'm sitting at brunch with the man that I have absolutely fallen in love with and he's leaving me by myself to go be with his girlfriend. And now, I'm more determined to get drunk than I ever have been in my entire life. Shots. Beers. Whiskey. More shots. And then.. phone calls.

I've always known I was a little... different. My first memories of sex are from watching HBO's, "Real Sex". This was back during the first couple of episodes. I think they're on Real Sex 352 now, but I digress. There was one episode when this older group of people were at a sex "camp". Everyone got naked and were all touching each other and rubbing and stuff. For a preteen kid who is trying to discover himself, this was hot! Even if they were old and gross. While watching these balding, saggy, wrinkly people touching all up on each other, I notice something... why am I looking more at the men than I am the women? What does THAT mean?! In my pursuit of discovery of what my wondering eyes were doing, I started watching more soft core porn. You know - Red Shoe Diaries, the late night/early morning movies on cable that didn't show anything but the girls breasts and bad acting. Ha. Yea. Like I was paying attention to the acting...
I realized growing up that I was a very sexual guy. Any chance to "rub it" I got was taken. The bathroom, the couch, the car, the dressing room; the more chance of getting caught, the hotter it was. I guess it was much like any other kid that age. The only difference was that I was doing it to things OTHER kids weren't doing it to. I spent the rest of my preteens thinking this was a phase. "You'll grow out of it once you get to high school." And then high school hit. And then college. And then adulthood. And the only thing that grew was my belly. I spent most of the years questioning why I had to be different and hating myself for it. To the point of pulling that card and making myself not wake up in the morning.

And then I met him. We'll call him X. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off from the first day. The more time we spent together, the more I was convinced that this is what I had been waiting for my entire life. The only problem was he was straight and I didn't have a vagina. We did things (nothing like THAT), said things, talked about things that forced me to ask one night, "What is this? What is this between us?"
"More than friendship."
"Right! What is it?!"
And nothing. No response. No confirmation. Just an excuse that he was so drunk, he doesn't remember the conversation ever happening. May of that year, a good friend Jason saw there was something up. He took me outside during one of my many going-away-parties and changed my life forever. All he did was ask the question and I was in such a position and so frustrated and hurt that I had to say something. I spent the next 2 years trying to figure out how to tell anyone else - including X. Up to this point, he had no idea that the love I had in my heart was for him.

That Sunday in February 2012, after my 235 alcoholic beverage, I texted Mindee to meet me at another bar. I couldn't take this shit anymore. I had to let it out or I was going to explode. And praise the Lord she did...
For an hour, she wondered what was wrong and why I kept ordering drinks. So I told her... "I'm in love with X". Around the time of my next shot, I picked up my phone and texted him. Liquid courage, right?
"Do you know why I act so crazy??? Do you know why I get this way with you??! It's because I'm in love with you."

And the clock stopped. And my heart dropped to my knees. And it was done. I couldn't breathe. For 2 years, I thought that the moment that I told him, that would be the end. He would go away and the one shred of "me" that I saw when I was with him would die. The hate in my heart for my reflection was going to overtake the rest of me and I would just disappear into the air.
Have you ever known someone that is so "in tune" that when something goes wrong, they come around the corner like Superman? That is my  mother. My mother is so psychic, Ms Cleo called HER for advise. Her intuition is so on point that when one of her kids is doing something bad, her shoe just automatically comes off and hits us in the back of the head. It's uncanny.
At that very moment in my life when I couldn't think of anything but that moment in my life, my mother's Batman signal went off and she texted me.
"How are you?"
And that was it. I told X, why not my mother, too.
"I might be playing for the other team."



"Well. What happens in your bedroom is your business."

And I cried.

In a matter of an hour, I had told the secret that I've held in my heart for 30 years because of the shame I was afraid would come with it. The hate I held for myself. The nights I cried myself to sleep. The days I was upset because I woke up that day. The times I just wanted someone to love me the way I knew I could love. That feeling that know one really knew who I was. The times I would avoid my family because I didn't think they even understood who I was - to the point they thought I was ashamed of THEM... all exploded in those 5 minutes.

I freaked out. I walked outside and started to shake. And thank God for Mindee because without her there, I don't know what I would have done.
After more sorrow-drowning, Mindee took me home. And I went to sleep knowing that no matter who I was on Sunday, I was someone different on Monday.

The next morning, I woke up and got ready for work with this feeling that EVERYONE knew. And you know what... I didn't care. My head was higher. It hurt because of all of the alcohol on Sunday - but higher all the same. I looked in the mirror and smiled for the first time in a LONG time. It was absolutely a rebirth and I thank God every day that during all of this time, the people I was so afraid to tell didn't care.

You know. It's almost disappointing. I spent 30 years hating myself because I thought that if I told anyone, they wouldn't love me anymore. And it was the complete opposite. Ha. ALL THAT TIME, WASTED. But you know, I wouldn't be in the place I am right now if it weren't for time I spent in that dark place. All for a reason and no one can EVER make me doubt that.

Until next time...

Big D's... HEY-O!

Hey, remember that one time I lived in New York? Ha. Oh man. That was fun.

In case you didn't know, I have moved back to Dallas as of less than a week ago. Bitter sweet, but I am where I believe I'm supposed to be - just like it was when I moved to New York. The move just fit into place and I couldn't deny it. I LOVE NEW YORK!! I absolutely do and you can't get me from visiting there - probably soon. But I gotta do what I gotta do, as far as work goes, so I'm back in the Big D, looking for a big D.... HEY-O! Haha. I'm just kidding. Or am I....

The trip down here was pretty uneventful once we got on the road. It was the getting on the road that was the problem. Uhaul wanted to schedule a pick up location near my apt but send the truck to Long Island. I called and they basically told me, "FOOLED YA!" so we had to wait until noon to pick up the truck when I wanted to start moving shit by 8am. BUT whatcanyado - we finally got on the road around 3pm and set fire to the rain.
I still don't know what that means.

This week here has been pretty fun. Went out in the Dallas area which is odd, because when I lived here before, I NEVER hung out in Dallas. It was all about Arlington and Ft Worth. Moving to Deep Ellum has been fucking amazing so far, though. I'm enjoying being able to walk everywhere still and having my choice of a $7 Uber to uptown and/or the gayborhood and/or Lower Greenville. Seven dollars!! That's ridiculous. It once cost me $75 to get home from the city to Queens. I got home and immediately bought 4 packs of ramen so I could eat the rest of the week. With my car being totaled, I guess being able to walk places is a good thing.

If you haven't heard from my mother, who apparently called the Waxahachie Daily Light and told e'rbody about it - I was in a car accident Friday. I stopped at a stop sign, looked right - saw the white truck next to me that looked like a truck my uncle used to have - looked left, looked right again and took off, not seeing the blue Ford Ranger until it was basically inside my drivers door. After my car stopped moving, I got out of my car. Stunned, I grabbed my phone and started to dial. I didn't know who I was calling and noticed my glasses weren't on my face so I went back to the car to find them. The other driver came to me and asked if I was ok and kept saying that he had insurance. "It's my dad's car so I'm trying to call him."
I finally grabbed ahold of my senses and called my mom and then the insurance company. All the while, the other driver kept telling me he's trying to call his dad.
"He's down the street at XXXX Park and XXXX. I need to go get him. Do you want to come with me?"
Naw nigga! I ain't trying to go with you to your house!! That's how episodes of 48 Hour specials start! You ain't fittin' to put ME in no hole in the backyard.
As I'm on the phone, I hear sirens and turn to see an ambulance had arrived. As I turned back around, that fool had taken off running. I didn't even see him running, I only saw a puff of smoke in the shape of a small black man like he was Bugs Bunny's homeboy.
A fire engine showed up, and 3 cop cars. The driver never came back but his father showed up with the insurance information. I came home and they basically told me that since he did flee and never came back, he would be at fault. Apparently, he had warrants out for unpaid tickets.
So, I have a small burn and an extremely sore shoulder, but otherwise I am ok. I mean, I needed another car anyway so I guess this was my sign to quit being a little bitch and go get one.

Andrew and I move into our two bedroom apt next Thursday which means I'm living in his living room on an air mattress right now. It's pretty crowded in here, but we're getting along pretty well. He is my heterosexual life partner so it works out. Ha.

I start my new position on Monday at the same place in Las Colinas. I'm pretty excited about it because it's an account I used to work on and with a lot of people that I miss dearly. Although, I did leave some pretty awesome people back in NYC too. And of course, the great friends that I made there. But... like Pac said to Biggy once (maybe - I might have made that up), "Once we homeboys, we always homeboys." So I hope they don't forget me.

The pub crawl is May 21, just in case my Facebook posts aren't telling you that enough. Ha. HOLLA!!

Until next time...