If you know me at all, you know that I usually move about every... ummm... 4 days or so it seems. I am not in one place too long. Mostly because of legal reasons but that's neither here nor there.
Most recently, I moved into a complex in Dallas called Bowser Oaks. And I love it so much. My apartment reminds me a lot of my apartment in New York, minus the bitchy cunt that lived across the hall. And the kitchen is bigger than the Easy Bake Oven of a kitchen I had there. But the size is comparable (that's what she said), the "central" heat and air isn't controlled by me, and the community is so nice.
Being where it is, there are quite a few people of the homosexual persuasion. They like the outties instead of the innies. And nothing is more obvious that this is the case than when the pool guy comes. He's a young buck that has that, "I probably haven't showered since I went and fucked that girl last night and I am still burping up Coors Light and Jager" bad-boy look. And when he comes to do the pool, the dudes come out to watch. He doesn't get shirtless or anything, but there are about 5 apartments that open their windows and/or doors and watch him work that pole. And by pole, I mean the one that's attached to the pool skimmer. It's pretty hilarious.
A couple of days ago, we had a little incident involving a hammer, a crackhead, and my window.
Earlier that night, I had decided to drink a bottle of premade watermelon margaritas. So around 1am, I was in the kitchen in my underwear and a tshirt making a salami sandwich. Cause what else would I be doing. All of a sudden, I hear glass breaking. Twice. I run out the front door - with my bare legs and hamster package showing. My upstairs neighbors tell me, "he went that way!" So I run in and put shorts on so that I don't get beat up and made fun of all at the same time. I go after him and, being not sober, confront him.
"What the fuck, dude? Was that you??"
"Yea, so what?"
"The fuck is your problem??"
As he walks toward me, holding the hammer with which he just spread glass across my walkway.
Still completely not sober, I wasn't afraid. I was just ready to break out my Berry Gordy's Last Dragon, Bruce Leeroy moves.
He stopped walking toward me and turned back to the street. I think he got intimidated by my dad bod and buldging biceps. And by biceps, I mean belly.
I called 9-1-1 and went back inside to grab my glasses. What I found out was that he had done the same to 3 other apartments in my complex, which is why the neighbors were outside. They heard the noise and were outside when he smashed through mine. He is standing in the middle of the street with the first cop arrives, still wielding the hammer.
"Drop it! Drop it!"
Crackhead turns and walks away.
"This your third warning, drop it! I'm going to tase you!"
He continues to walk.
The cop yells out to the group of us that gathered to both watch this dick nugget get arrested and sweep up the mess he created.
"You guys are my witnesses - I warned him!"
And taser.
And it was just as great as you're picturing.
Eventually, like, 10 other cop cars showed up. Not sure why. I guess there wasn't going on in Dallas on Thursday. They took my statement, my info, and I swept up the mess and went to bed. Didn't finish making my sandwich. Mostly because I took this as God's way of telling me to not eat that bread.
It's really the only incident that happened here and I'm a-ok with it. I get my own parking spot, the neighbors are fun, it's literally across the street from a bar, and the shower is something from Red Shoe Dairies. I already told my landlord to bury me in my parking spot because I don't plan to leave.
Come by and see it sometime! After this COVID shit is done. Don't be bringing that shit over here.
Until next time...
Most recently, I moved into a complex in Dallas called Bowser Oaks. And I love it so much. My apartment reminds me a lot of my apartment in New York, minus the bitchy cunt that lived across the hall. And the kitchen is bigger than the Easy Bake Oven of a kitchen I had there. But the size is comparable (that's what she said), the "central" heat and air isn't controlled by me, and the community is so nice.
Being where it is, there are quite a few people of the homosexual persuasion. They like the outties instead of the innies. And nothing is more obvious that this is the case than when the pool guy comes. He's a young buck that has that, "I probably haven't showered since I went and fucked that girl last night and I am still burping up Coors Light and Jager" bad-boy look. And when he comes to do the pool, the dudes come out to watch. He doesn't get shirtless or anything, but there are about 5 apartments that open their windows and/or doors and watch him work that pole. And by pole, I mean the one that's attached to the pool skimmer. It's pretty hilarious.
A couple of days ago, we had a little incident involving a hammer, a crackhead, and my window.
Earlier that night, I had decided to drink a bottle of premade watermelon margaritas. So around 1am, I was in the kitchen in my underwear and a tshirt making a salami sandwich. Cause what else would I be doing. All of a sudden, I hear glass breaking. Twice. I run out the front door - with my bare legs and hamster package showing. My upstairs neighbors tell me, "he went that way!" So I run in and put shorts on so that I don't get beat up and made fun of all at the same time. I go after him and, being not sober, confront him.
"What the fuck, dude? Was that you??"
"Yea, so what?"
"The fuck is your problem??"
As he walks toward me, holding the hammer with which he just spread glass across my walkway.
Still completely not sober, I wasn't afraid. I was just ready to break out my Berry Gordy's Last Dragon, Bruce Leeroy moves.
He stopped walking toward me and turned back to the street. I think he got intimidated by my dad bod and buldging biceps. And by biceps, I mean belly.
I called 9-1-1 and went back inside to grab my glasses. What I found out was that he had done the same to 3 other apartments in my complex, which is why the neighbors were outside. They heard the noise and were outside when he smashed through mine. He is standing in the middle of the street with the first cop arrives, still wielding the hammer.
"Drop it! Drop it!"
Crackhead turns and walks away.
"This your third warning, drop it! I'm going to tase you!"
He continues to walk.
The cop yells out to the group of us that gathered to both watch this dick nugget get arrested and sweep up the mess he created.
"You guys are my witnesses - I warned him!"
And taser.
And it was just as great as you're picturing.
Eventually, like, 10 other cop cars showed up. Not sure why. I guess there wasn't going on in Dallas on Thursday. They took my statement, my info, and I swept up the mess and went to bed. Didn't finish making my sandwich. Mostly because I took this as God's way of telling me to not eat that bread.
It's really the only incident that happened here and I'm a-ok with it. I get my own parking spot, the neighbors are fun, it's literally across the street from a bar, and the shower is something from Red Shoe Dairies. I already told my landlord to bury me in my parking spot because I don't plan to leave.
Come by and see it sometime! After this COVID shit is done. Don't be bringing that shit over here.
Until next time...
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