Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Very Convincing

You know, in all my years here on this great planet we call Earf, I've learned a couple of things. Some good, some bad, a lot of them made up. But this is MY blog so it doesn't matter. Like-to-hear-it-here-it-go:

I'm convinced that if you look up "douche" in the dictionary, there will be picture of Summers Eve and Matthew McConaughey. That guy bothers me so much. "I don't do it because they pay me... I do it because I like it." The eff out of here. Ever since that guy was butt naked banging the bangos, that guy has been on my shit list. He's the only 86 year old man that still takes his shirt off in movies. With his old balls. Gross.

I'm convinced that my scale is broken. Seriously. Just yesterday I stepped on it to see my progress. It gave me a number I was not even a little pleased with. So I says out loud, "LORD, no. Please help me! I'm 'bout to fall out." Stepped on it again and I had lost .6 pounds. Now. I'm all about that faith. You can ask anyone that knows me - I BELIEVE in the Lord and all of his glory. But either my scale is broken... or God knocked off a couple of pounds in a matter of seconds. And if the latter is the case, I'm never leaving my apartment because I'm busy praying until my ass can take my shirt off in public without scaring small children and gay dudes.

I'm convinced that Middle Village, Queens is so full of old white people that after 8pm, if you're not asleep, you're condemned to hell. Today, I tried to go buy a stamp so I could mail off my taxes. Only I couldn't because the post office is only opened from 9-5pm. Because. You know. No one has a job in this neighborhood because they're all OLD AND WHITE. The same goes for the bank. Only open from 9-5. Why do you think I always stop at 7-11 at 2am. It's the only place open. It's either that or year old crackers from my pantry.

I'm convinced that black people are way funnier than white people. Just look at me.
Badoom chic.

I'm convinced that Justin Bieber's real name is Damien and he is the coming of the anti-Christ and he should be sacrificed as soon as possible. Why else would people still buy his bullshit? The only way he could be this popular still is through some voodoo shit. That fool mixed some goats blood and chicken bones somewhere. Shave his head - I get you find that mark of the beast!

I'm convinced that I'm not meant to be a skinny person. Those of you who knew me back from 1999-2002 know that I was pretty skinny... with a big ass head. I looked like a Tootsie Roll Pop. People asked if I was anorexic, no lie. And then I turned 21 and started drinking (because I never did before..... yea.... that's it) and started to gain weight. And basically never stopped. I dropped some lb's every other summer or so but I was never back to "skinny". Which, I mean, when you think about it, is good that don't look like a Tootsie Roll Pop anymore. Now, it's more like a chocolate M&M.
Notice the candy references...

I'm convinced that if the zombie apocalypse happens, there won't be any mexicans left. Seriously, look at The Walking Dead. Ain't no mexicans on that show. Know why?
Because all of our grandma's already warned us about messing with shit like that, that's why! Ask any mexican you know. Abuelita done let a nigga know! When the zombie apocalypse happens, you won't find us out there wandering with Rick and them other fools. We are at the church eating corn and potatoes, saying the Hail Mary and watching y'all from the inside. Think I'm playin'.

And I'm convinced that Kanye West is an alien. That's it.

Until next time...

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